This Monday’s Post is on a more serious note, and brought to you by the very wonderful Ivy4Life. I hope this makes us all stop for a moment in a dungeon or raid and think about our words before we spew them at someone. Cause really it’s a game, and there is no reason for us to be unnecessarily nasty.
Everyone has it at some level.
Some of us are cursed with a over abundance. I in particular have a full blown anxiety disorder paired with bipolar disorder. Unfortunately for me that means medication that could help my anxiety can also cause me to have a manic episode. It causes problems in my everyday life. The simplest things can be difficult for me.
A few days ago I found myself full of dread at the easy task of walking down my neighbors stairs. After a short pause I finally pushed myself to go.
They’re stairs! Whats there to be afraid of? My mind was full of visions of me falling, braking my neck or worse. It sounds silly I know but this is my life.
What does this have to do with World of Warcraft your probably wondering? Well. let me tell you.
Something that should be enjoyable to me is sometimes difficult to enjoy to the fullest. I love running dungeons, but it takes a lot for me to even queue for one. I’m filled with dread at what will happen during the run, the crushing possibilities of what my group mates will say to me or the ending kick which will crush my self esteem.
Most likely your scoffing at me saying it’s just a game. Who cares? Well I do. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am and what I deal with on a daily basis. I know I really have nothing to worry about and shouldn’t let it bother me, but my brain just won’t let that to the front.
Now, I’m not new to the game. I know my way around my addons and I know how to play my plethra of alts. Sure I’m better at some then others. No one can be a pro at everything. We’re human, we make mistakes, we’re all continuously learning. My main is a druid tank. I like to think I’m a fairly good tank, though my guild mates build me up to be some sort of furry butt goddess. I did my time as a “hard core” raider, my anxiety eating at my insides during heroic modes. I ended up breaking down and not being able to take it so I have finally walked away from it. Moving on to more relaxed pastures with a new guild I found my anxiety to be worse while raiding with them. This realization came upon me last night as we gave H ultra a casual go. I have no interest in heroic modes anymore but I do it for them.
My anxiety was through the roof and later talking to my husband about it, it dawned on me why. My past guilds, I was only with them to do the latest content. I never got to really know them and they never really tried to know me. My new guild, my raid team in particular is a small close knit group. We mostly know each others backgrounds and some us know each other by first names. I CARE about these people. I CARE if I let them down and I have before. Like I said we’re all humans, we make mistakes.
I once walked right off the edge during H Magmaw in a past guild and didn’t hear the end of it. Last night I wiped the raid twice by tanking in my resto gear. TWO WIPES for me to realize the problem. Did they berate me for it? No. I laughed at my huge fail and they laughed along with me. Not at me, with me. I changed gear and we gave it another go before we had to quit for the night. I even got praise for my performance after the gear swap. You see they support me for who I am and I support them back. Anxiety can be the biggest raid boss for me, but with my in-game family, it’s not so scary.
The point is though, having people who care about you, in-game and out makes a huge difference. If you have anxiety, lean on the people who support you and you can’t fail.
I just want to give a shout out to Mischief Makers-Aman-thul and to Team L. You guys complete me. Thanks for all your love and support!
And a extra special thanks to my husband, Akasendo, for all your support outside the game. <3